With a heavy heart....

And as the sun was beginning to rise this morning.
I said goodbye to Callie.
It was a terribly defeating moment for me.

I was sure I could save this puppy.
For her.
For the boys.
For my daughter.

For me.
Probably most of all for me.

My mom says I'm a "fixer".
It's what I do.
And not being able to fix something of great significance.
Especially when it involves a large measure of love.
Is very.....striking.
As in, strikes me to the core....or is it....in my core?

Either way.
This has been one of those weeks.
Or a couple of those weeks.
The kind you wish for a "do-over."

At the beginning of February, when my daughter sent me a text with nothing but a photo of a tiny little puppy. All golden and fluffy....with those melty brown eyes.
And nothing in the comment section.
She knew I wouldn't be able to stand it.
I responded promptly.

She was a rescue and needed a home.
As it turns out.
Ours to be exact.
And over the next few days while my husband and I debated on whether now was a good time for a puppy. I mentioned to my mom my fear of loving a dog again.
You see, it's been 2 years, on March 4th, that I was at this place. The place where....it was clear that our dear Riley-dog was....fading. He was pushing 13. Which is a good life for a dog. But, I struggled with the idea of letting him go. We had just moved to a new home, our daughter was getting ready to leave the nest, and our cat who was pushing 18 was doing poorly as well.
And I worried that the loss of all 3 of these constants. And the leaving of them, along with the adjusting to a new home, would tip the scales a little too far. A little too far in the direction of....sadness, change, stretching, loss.
Grief.
And if you have been reading Sweet Country Life for any amount of time, then you know how much I dislike change.

Immensely.

As it turns out. I made the decision to have Riley put to sleep. A couple of months later our daughter was getting ready to leave for the big city, and a month after that, I said goodby to our kitty.

Big losses for this soft mama.
And all....back to back.

I was left reeling.

I was haunted by the loss of Riley. I felt like I had made a terrible mistake and that I had let him down after all of his years of love and loyalty.
I should have done more for him.

I spoke at length with the Vet about it.
And she told me that rarely do our pets die on their own, making it easier for us, and taking the decision out of our hands.
And also, that most people fall into the category of....
Putting their pet to sleep too early.
And feeling guilty that they should have done more.
While others, wait too long.
And then feel guilty about letting their pet suffer more than was needed.

It's a catch 22.

And when I spoke of this with my mother.
She told me how important it was to look at the joy of all of the years that a pet brings before coming to that awful crossroads.
And that to get to that place with a well loved dog.
A good dog.
We would be starting with the puppy.

Callie.

So how is it....that after barely a month. I was at this place so suddenly?

Praying. Saying goodby. Wiping up muddy paw prints and nose smudges off glass window panes. Retrieving newly purchased doggy toys and treats. Trying to.....erase the signs that hurt so much to look at.

I was not prepared.
I was not prepared to love this puppy deeply, pour myself into her day and night after she became ill, and then have to let her go.

And I was especially not prepared for the searching brown eyes of my boy this morning.
The boy who talked endlessly about his loyal friend.
The one who would traipse through the woods with him.
The one who would happily chase ball after ball.
The one who would swim in the pond and then shake her wet-wet self right at his side, spraying him with cold dirty pond water, on hot July days.
The one who slept by his side each night.

How does a mama take the sting out of those words?
And the hurt out of that heart?

All while mourning the loss herself, and trying with all of her mite, to be the rock he needs.

My mother said a few days ago, that in the end, it would probably be hardest on me.

She was right.
Of course.

I hated my job as a mama today.

Someone I know, said the other day, "Just go get another dog. There's plenty of dogs out there."

Which is true.
But not really the point.

So there you have it.
That's how it all is unfolding at The Country House today.

I know this week of sharing about Callie has resonated with so many of you.
You have all done such a great job of encouraging me, commenting on the blog, sending personal e-mails, calling.....making my family a delicious meal of homemade goodness, and sending a Spiced Pumpkin Cappuccino with a husband who also happens to be my friend, to show your love and support.

Just when I needed it most.

I have so many e-mails that are waiting in my box, and I will do my best to get back with each of you. Please, be patient with me. I am so tired....and drained. My dad is coming for a visit this weekend and I am going to take a break from the computer for a few days.

This after all has been one of those weeks.

So....
With a heavy heart.
I will say goodby.

See you soon.

Love, Kristin

a.k.a~
Nurser of puppies.
Weary of soul and spirit.
And most appropriately....mender of broken hearts.